Are you emotionally processing for others?
I’ve noticed something lately about myself I hadn’t considered before. There are times I process the emotions for loved ones when clearly that is not helpful for either of us.
What does processing the emotions for others look like?
Essentially, it’s projecting my idea of what my loved one might feel, say, or do based on interpretations of my own life experiences. Instead of asking or allowing them to express in their own way, I interpret for them thinking I either already know how they’ll feel and want to avoid the conflict or spare the hurt feelings.
This leads to misunderstandings, confusion, lack of responsibility, and atrophy in the relationships instead of soul growth. Because of this dysfunction, it keeps us stuck inside limited roles and experiences.
Here are some examples of what I’ve observed in myself or others.
Example One:
Person A: “Why don’t you ever say I love you?”
Person B: “I don’t know.”
Person A’s emotional processing take on what they hear—That’s okay they don’t say it, (when clearly it isn’t). This leads to Person A processing Person B’s emotions through justification: I know they love me and they’ve had such a hard life. They’ve never learned how to express themselves.
Instead of Person A doing the emotional “work” for Person B, a possible solution could be:
Person A to Person B: “Can you say I love you now?”
Now Person B gets to decide if they want to process their own emotions and respond, or not. There is real choice.
Person A gets to work on validating through self and not another by staying out of excuses and justification. Person A gets to practice holding space for authentic heart listening without projecting what they “think” the other person is thinking, or attaching to any preconceived outcome. With this one simple change, the whole relationship has a real possibility of expanding out of a pattern.
Example two:
Person A’s thoughts: “I can’t tell my person about this thing, because they can’t handle it. It’s best they not know.”
Person A has taken away any emotional process from Person B based on a previous experience or the justification they harbor it is a kindness on their part. In their view, their person is either too old, too young, too male, too female, too busy, can’t understand, too traumatized, or it will hurt them too much. This one little scenario covers a LOT of relationship dysfunction. Plus, it is just shy of outright lying—to yourself.
Possible solution:
Person A to Person B: “I’m thinking of doing_______. (Or: I did ______). (Or this happened) How do you feel about that?”
Even if something is not up for discussion, that needs to be stated.
Now Person B gets to process their own emotions around the event and decide what is best for them without Person A emotionally processing for them.
There are hundreds of ways we process someone else’s emotions and don’t even realize that’s what we’re doing. But if you notice nothing in your relationship gets solved or moves forward, it’s time to end the loop that you know what your loved one (or co-worker, neighbor, teacher, boss, etc) feels or thinks and let them tell you instead.
And as always, I’m available for private sessions if you need deeper understanding, support, or guidance in the form of energy work or intuitive life coaching. Click this link to schedule.